11:49 pm

Im suffering internal conflict.
But unlike Huck Finn, Paddy Clarke or even Siddhartha, its not bout whether to set a black man free, bout who to side with in a deteriorating family unit or over the pull of Samsara vs Enlightenment.

It seems that this one is a lot more adolescent. Its a lot more hormornal.

Its some kinda sick, twisted mind but its actually quite common. Or so i'd like to think.

Maybe its the smile.
Maybe its the height.
Maybe its the lack of mass.
Maybe its the way they pray, the way they lick cones, the way theyve got pimple scarred faces.

Honestly, tho, these r just excuses the let me justify another smart remark, another smirk, another observation.

There's a void there and im trying to fill it.
The way im filling it is just wrong. Im going against everything ive fought so hard to uphold for 2 years. Im only halfway thru and im already faltering. O so im actually more than halfway thru. Actually time is passing quite a lot faster than i tot it would. I guess, thats good in a way right?

I'd tell myself : O its not coz i dun try. Its not ur fault. Its hers.
But thats just the human need to justify their actions.
It just the great temptation to tell urself that everything is alright, ure doing well, ure doing things right.

My inability to stick to the route shows just how unready i am. It shows how i might break u again. and im not gonna do that since u told me bout ur fall at Killiney

I guess im just not ready.
But will anyone ever be ready? Honestly thats quite a tough question.
God please mould and shape me the way you wish, help me to stay aright, filling up the void the right way.

Maybe all of this is just en route to enlightenment.
Can i think, wait and fast?

ben says AMEN!

benjamin
EIGHTEEN
NSF
160290
*Child of God =)


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I asked JESUS
"How much do you love me?"
HE answered
"This much"
and he stretched out his arms and died for me! (:



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"I am the way the truth and the life; NO MAN cometh unto the Father BUT BY ME."
Jesus Christ, John 14:6



`; ^ON _{E W} AY.

I lay my life down at Your feet
Cause You're the only one I need
I turn to You and You are always there

In troubled times it's You I seek
I put You first that's all I need
I humble all I am all to You

One way
Jesus
You're the only one that I could live for
One Way
Jesus
You're the only one that I could live for

You are always, always there
Every how and everywhere
Your grace abounds so deeply within me

You will never ever change
Yesterday today the same
Forever till forever meets no end

One way
Jesus
You're the only one that I could live for
One Way
Jesus
You're the only one that I could live for

You are the Way the Truth and the Life
We live by faith and not by sight for You
We're living all for You